A Very Excited Kindergartner (in her 40s)

“I don’t mean this in an offensive way, but on your school ID you kind of look like a very excited kindergartener with a buzz cut.”

My son was right. The picture was taken at the beginning of August. I’d been back to work a couple weeks, and I was looking at everything through rose-colored glasses. My hair was just starting to come in, and although looking back I was still too thin and quite weak, I was beginning to feel like myself.

The Infamous ID Pic

I dove back into work with a passion. I love what I do, and seeing the students again reminded me of that. I was ready to get to work, even with the added duties I’d been given during some reorganization in the building. For those first few months, I had a smile plastered on my face every day. Who wouldn’t rather be in a building full of youngsters with potential than lying in a hospital bed, feeling removed from the world?

Even then, however, I realized that the excitement I felt was not sustainable, at least not at the same level. I generally consider myself to be an optimist, and I believe in what I’m doing, but the pressures of a school will eventually weigh on you. Everyone who works in a school cares, and when you have so many passionate people, you have people who want to make things better: kids’ lives, requirements, systems, etc. The thing is, sometimes people get so emotionally tied to this mission that all that passion comes out in the form of complaints and a seemingly negative attitude. And, when you are the person with the rose-colored glasses, this can remove the tint pretty quickly.  

*****

Now, we are midway through the second semester. My hair is longer (but still too short to clip back with a barrette) and I’m back to my normal weight. I still come into work with a smile and my work is still driven by passion, but I’m not as giddy as a kindergartner anymore. And really, I think I’m okay with that.

This could be a cheesy post about self-care or a whiney post about the unappreciated work in public education. But, I don’t really want to make it about that.

My experience with cancer changed my perspective. It made me realize that a lot of things just aren’t that big of a deal. However, that initial exuberant positivity that came from being home and being alive just isn’t real life. Real life has ups and downs, and sometimes realizing that you are getting irked by the little things again is a realization that you are really alive.